Back in the summer I started an intensely personal little work called “Part Two” which was intended for an audience of one. It was actually a love letter, and now it will never be finished.
I began the work: It’s frightening, loving someone, falling in love. I really believed I was done with the whole business, as penance and perhaps earthly purgatory for past sins and utter stupidity. I was blissfully travelling down my perceived straight life-road when it dipped to reveal S-curves and hairpins so suddenly at my feet I had no time to brake to check my speed. Can I navigate this stretch of road? or will I crash?
Well, I crashed, and it has been a pretty bad smash-up. A very ugly sight, in fact. The details aren’t important; the point is, I’m going to recover. It hurts like oral surgery without benefit of anesthesia (polite way of saying hurts like bloody hell!), but… I’m tough, I can take it!
Yeah, right, and donkeys fly. The past two weeks I’ve been in a right state, grieving and holding tightly to the hands of friends who love us both, afraid to let go for fear the ground is going to swallow me up alive, wailing “WHY???.…”
So, if I’m not going to entertain you with all the gruesome details, why am I blogging about it at all?
So I can publicly affirm my hope in the goodness of God.
I learned during my first divorce that there is nothing that can happen to us that God won’t use for our greater good and for His greater glory. I believe it with all my heart, I believe I’m going to see that good coming out of this disapointment. I believe the time is going to come sooner than later when I can thank Him for everything about the situation.
In fact, I already have a lot to be grateful for: my circle of friends has grown through him (I hope they will continue to be my friends!), and my sense of my own worth is ever so much greater than it was before he came into my life. All in all, I wouldn’t have missed the adventure for all the world. I wish it had been handled differently — but even that will be turned into a blessing, somehow.
God’s blessings and His redemptive mercy — both for him and for me.