It’s easy to pontificate and to rant and rave as if I had something wonderful and profound and incredibly important to say to the world.
Fact is, I’m scared to the point of having a massive case of writer’s block.
I’m reading through the Old Testament to get some of the background on what it means to be a prophet, priest or king, reading documents of the Church –
Lumen Gentium (Dogmatic Constitution on the Church) and Apostolicam Actuositatem (Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity) down – Gaudium et Spes (the Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World) and a few others to go.
I’ve talked to several friends, far better-educated than I, who are telling me I’m doing something they haven’t seen done before.
If God has given me something unusual to give, in turn, to His people, then I pray to do a good job of it. And I will do it – I accept the call.
But I’m scared. What a terrible responsibility this is! What if I have a priest friend to vet it when I’m done, and he tells me it’s a bunch of codswallop? Okay, Fr. G wouldn’t do that to me, but he’s a scholar and he’ll be pulling no punches if I mess it up.
And this is a lot more work than I had realized, prior to really getting into it – so much I hardly know which way to turn to get it done. When I was conversationally showing the concept to people, it was simple. Now, though, it’s added a layer of meaning, and requires a lot more research in order to be honest and truthful – not just opinionated.
I’m scared. When my husband left me, more than twenty years ago, now, the trauma hit me solidly in my ability to concentrate for prolonged periods of time. This is a lot of work I’m saying Yes to – I’ve got to be able to increase my stamina for reading, note-taking, writing…
I’m scared. This is such a BIG project!